i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
