He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
