I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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