...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
