I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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