Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize