when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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