I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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