first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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