if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
