No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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