I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
