Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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