is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
