I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dicks are not precious.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
