I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
