I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
