Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
