Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
