Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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