I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
