i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
