Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
