At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
