There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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