well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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