Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
