Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
