my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
