i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
