The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
