No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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