i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
