just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
