Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
