I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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