U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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