I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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