How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
