got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
