New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
