remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
