Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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