I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
