I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
