Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
