whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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