My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
