Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize