I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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