went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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