the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
