it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
