I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
