my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
