Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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