I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
