i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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