and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
