I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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