just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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