I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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