he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
